The flight attendant just announced “If you don’t like any of my jokes, there are six exits” and told us where the emergency exits are it was actually the best
"for those of you who are traveling with children… WHY"
"if you’re changing to a flight with a different airline, we don’t care."
he said “okay now get out” once we landed i’m pissing myself
After the safety demonstration: “Alright folks, that concludes my show and tell for the day, thank you for listening, you are now free to look elsewhere and not pay attention, if you haven’t done so already.”
I thought the earth remembered me,
she took me back so tenderly,
arranging her dark skirts, her pockets
full of lichens and seeds.
I slept as never before, a stone on the river bed,
nothing between me and the white fire of the stars
but my thoughts, and they floated light as moths
Washington (The Borowitz Report) — President Obama has sparked outrage in Congress and renewed calls for his impeachment by signing a daring Presidential memorandum that would pay workers enough to eat.
Continue reading: http://nyr.kr/Oc4rq3
Photograph by Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty.